An Emotional Wreck

For those of you looking for a happy post, this one is not for you.....
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For the last several days I can't shake the sadness of loss. Not that it has ever gone away, but I've spent the better part of the last two weeks on the verge of tears.  I can't think of my sweet Mason without tearing up.  Still pretty good about not breaking down in public, in front of the kids or at work.  However, the tears are always right there.  Today, they won't stop coming and so I sit here in my office crying and thinking of all the should have beens.

My journey to becoming a mom was not an easy one.  It didn't work like they tell you when you are kids...have sex and you'll get pregnant.  We tried unsuccessfully for a while.  Then we started down the oh so fun path of fertility treatments and two miscarriages.  Then came our first miracle....Caden.  He was born 364 days after he was created in an IVF lab.  Caden spent several months on ice, before he was back with me.  Then he decided to scare the living daylights out of us when my water broke at 29 weeks with zero warning of any complications.  At the time I had no idea that you could stay pregnant for days/weeks once your water broke.  So I spent 5 weeks on hospital bedrest.  And I know I would have spent more had we not reached the point where the risk of low fluid resticting his growth outweighed the risk of being born early.  He spent two weeks in the NICU.  Nine months later we decided given our history we would start the process of giving Caden a sibling.  Given that it took 2.5 years to have Caden, we didn't want to wait too long. Little did we know our next IVF try would bring us the amazing gift of twins.  Yes, we know the odds were there, but given our luck we didn't think it would happen to us. I was considered "high risk" and surprised myself when I carried Will and Mason to 36 weeks.  Will spent 4 days in the NICU and Mason spent 2 hours.  We all came home together and Caden loved his brothers from the first moment he saw them.  One of my favorite pictures is one of Caden's butt in the air as he's bending down to kiss Mason in his bouncy chair.

As a parent you have all these hopes and dreams for your kids. You imagine the milestones, the family vacations and just enjoying life together.  We had all of those for all three of our boys and I think that is one of the hardest parts of losing Mason.  Parents are not suppose to outlive their children. It's suppose to be the other way around. In reality Mason is not my only angel, he has the two miscarrige babies keeping him company.  In some ways it helps to know he is not alone and other times it makes it that much harder to deal with. At times I remind myself that had I not had the two miscarriages I would have never had Caden, Mason or Will.  The miscarriages just made me that much more determined to be a mother.

I believe that my journey to motherhood has made me a better mom.  I love my kids so much.  I'd do anything for them and everything in my power to protect them.  And that's where I feel that I failed Mason in some way.  I didn't protect him.  He's not still here with us. Deep down I know that I couldn't have prevented his SIDS death, but it doesn't erase my guilt completely.  After losing Mason, I knew our family was forever changed.  And it is.....we are missing a piece of it.  I try for the sake of Caden and Will to give them a happy childhood.  Rob and I are always aware of surviviors guilt.  We are consicous of how we talk about Mason and seem to always be preparing answer to questions that the boys are going to ask some day. I love to hear Caden say his name when he sees a picture of Mason.  The other night Caden has picked up a framed picture of the three of them.  He named everyone and then I told him that Mason was his brother whose in heaven.  Caden looked at me so innocently and said "he's Wills brother too mommy".....as you can imagine my eyes filled with tears.

I've been reading the blog of a family whose daughter has a rare and agressive form of brain cancer.  As you can imagine the posts are heart-wrenching.  After each post I always find myself wondering....would I rather have my shoes or hers???  Was the suddenness of his passing better? Or would it have been better to try and fight something like cancer? Would it have been harder or easier to handle if we'd had more time with him? Would it have still happened if I had decided not to go back to work? The questions are endless.....

Most days I decide we are on the lesser end of the painful, horrible truth of losing a child.  Mason did not suffer.  He simply went to sleep in his crib and didn't wake up.  I am greatful that I did not find him.  I can't imagine the extra pain of families that have found their babies. I remember kissing a smiling little boy in a green onesie sitting in his bouncer as I went to work one Friday morning. And then I remember walking into the ER to see so many people trying to bring my sweet boy back. I remember the sad look on the ER docs face as he called the time of death.  I asked to hold my baby and he asked the nurses to unhook him and give him to me.  Mason looked so peaceful.  I didn't ever want to let go of him.

Here I sit 11 month later and the pain is still so raw and fresh at times.  It comes in waves and right now I feel like I am in the middle of a hurricane. I go in waves of feeling "normal" and ready to fall apart.  As I watch Caden and Will play together I am so happy to see the love they have for each other.  And yet I feel as if my heart is breaking all over again cause Mason isn't there with him. I also feel that people are moving on and my little boy will be forgotten.  I know that people don't want to upset us, so they don't ask about him.  A few do and I am greatful for that.  Death makes people uncomfortable.....people don't know what to say.  I can say that a simple "how are you doing" means a lot.  I had a long time customer ask me just that.  He asked how Rob was doing too.  It meant so much to me that 1) he remembered, 2) he took the time to ask and 3) I could tell he genuinely cared. I hope our friends and family know that it is ok to ask how we are doing.  To talk about Mason.  You won't make us sad.  We're already sad, it helps to hear others say his name.  It helps to know you remember.  This week I've also received 3 pictures of babies wearing Mason's onesie.  I cry everytime and everytime I have felt better after seeing the picture.  So keep those pictures coming, they've become very theraputic to me.

Losing a child makes you a survivor.  Some days are better than others and some days it seems to vary by the hour or min.  At the end of the day I am forever changed. I will always carry this burden with me.  I will always wonder what-if.  Today is one of the days where it's hardest to carry the burden.  It's Friday and I have pick-up duty so maybe I'll go grab my boys early.  Nothing warms my heart like they do.

To my sweet Mason, I love you so much.  Wish you could be here with us.  Keep watching out for your brothers.