5 Months...Missing My Sweet Boy

I can't believe it's been 5 months since I got to hold my sweet boy in my arms. 5 months since he looked up at me with his blue eyes and flashed that sweet smile of his. 5 months since our world was shattered without any warning.

This new wave of grief has been difficult for me to deal with. As a fellow SIDS mom explained to me today this phase may just be the hardest....for those of you who have never lost a child here's some insight and for those of you who have you'll probably agree: <You have moved to the place that I call "The Missing". You've moved beyond the first phase that I call "The Horror". It typically begins 3-6 months after the baby's death. You are no longer in shock. You are probably beginning to come to the realization that Mason is not coming back. This is a heart thing, not a head thing. I will tell you that in my experience, this is the worst time of grief. You are now feeling the full brunt of the loss that you've suffered with no protections (like shock). Also, the rest of the world is starting to move on with their lives. That's why the people you've met at the support group are so important. They understand. They know that you are at the beginning of this very long road - not the end or the middle as some of your friends will think.>

Losing a twin to SIDS I think has it's own issues. On one hand, I still had a baby to take care of, I was not left with empty arms. Yet, I have a constant reminder of what Mason should be like. I want to know what Mason would look like with his first tooth. I want to know what it would feel like to have Mason reach for me. I want to see Mason wrestle with Caden. I want to see Will and Mason play together. They were always near or touching each other. Every milestone is hard, yet joyful in watching Will achieve them.

Losing Mason has left a permanent hole in my heart. Part of me will always be missing. Yet I now understand just how precious and fragile life really is. I know that we should never take today for granted, tomorrow may not be what it should. I like to think that I enjoy my time with Caden and Will more. That they know (and Mason too) just how important they are to me. I want Rob and I to uphold the promise we made to each other shortly after losing Mason -- we will be the best parents we can be. That we will try to take something positive away from this horrible tragedy.

To my sweet boy. I hope you know how much we love you. Missing you so much. Keep watching out for your brothers.

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