Anger

Currently I seem stuck in the anger phase....with an occasional crying fit.  I'm mad that he's gone. I'm mad that his brothers won't remember him. I'm mad that it happened to us.  I'm mad that it hurts so bad. I'm mad that when people ask me how many children I have that I am required to decide how to answer....do I want to break down, do I want that look a pure pitty, do I want to pretend that he's still here with us?  I'm mad that other than in the hospital there are no pictures of me holding both Will and Mason.  I'm mad about just how short a fuse I have these days. I'm just so freaking angry right now.....

And the anger just brings on all the what-if.....what if I had used angel care monitors at the time, what if I had stopped back by the house that morning, what if I had decided to not go back to work, what if the nanny had left him asleep in his swing, what if we hadn't been using swaddle blankets, what if we had sent them to daycare with their big brother.

I'm not sure how to process this anger.  I want him back....I want to wake up from this nightmare...I want to walk upstairs and find Mason sleeping in his crib, instead of just Will in his crib.

I want this back....just a month before he passed