Today is the 4th 28th since our world came to a screeching halt. From my previous blog post, I am still feeling sorry for myself. This is just so hard....parents are not suppose to lose their children. I can't help but still ask "why?"......the question that will forever be unanswered. The "what-ifs" are endless and bring me so much guilt when I allow myself to go there. It still just seem so surreal that this happened. I want the chaos back of having twin infants and a toddler. I am trying to hold it together, trying to push it to the back of my mind..... so that I can enjoy my time with Caden and Will....so I can focus on work.....so I can be a good wife....so I can focus on anything, but it is getting so much harder to do this. I feel like I am falling apart inside while trying to look like I am ok from the outside. When people ask me how I am doing I say "ok".....but I am not ok....how can I be ok. The sad thing is society has taught us to ask "how are you doing" even if we really don't care....we just say it cause it's polite. I hate giving an honest answer.....people don't like being sad, people don't know what to say to me, the death of a child makes everyone uncomfortable. I don't want to make people uncomfortable, I don't want to make people sad, I don't want everyone to start avoiding me.....so I continue to answer I'm ok. For those of you who see me on a regular basis I will give you a clue....if my cheeks are flushed, I am really not ok......I am actually on the verge of losing it. I may have already shed tears or be trying my hardest to hold them back. Right now I just can't do it all.....so Caden and Will are my 1st priority. So sorry to my amazing husband and my job....I can't give 100% right now....I just don't have it in me. I am not a good employee....my sales numbers SUCK! I am not a good wife. And some days I am not a good mom. You'd think given what I have been through I wouldn't ever lose my cool with the boys.....but unfortunately I have and I hate myself for it.
This morning I submitted a flex reimbursement that included what I hope is the final bill from Mason's birth and also one from the ER the day that he died. It's just so upsetting how short the time was between his birth and his death.
At lunch Rob and I went to pick up the onsie sample from the screen printing place. We are getting so much closer to being able to place our initial order. It's exciting to be getting closer. Yet there is so much more to be done and donations to collect so we can keep this going. I want Mason's memory to live on and for other parents to not have to walk in my shoes.
I miss my sweet Mason so much.....I just want you back where you belong....here with your family.
1 comment:
Sam, I never know what to say and never feel like I say enough. I hurt for you, I wish there was something I could say or do to help. I believe you are doing the best you can, and that's all anyone should expect.
Thinking of you
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