Broken Record

Starting to feel like a broken record these days....it's just so unfair. I still find it so hard to accept that Mason is gone forever. That I will live with the extreme pain for the rest of my life. I am saddened that Caden and Will won't get to grow up with Mason. That Rob and I won't get to watch Mason grow up...missing out on so many milestones. I feel that some people ready my posts and think quit complaining - you still have 2 boys. I do have 2 boys, but that doesn't make me miss Mason any less. I can't imagine enduring this pain without them to bring me some joy.

I'm angry, irritable and short fused these days...poor Rob encounters this on a regular basis. I just don't know how to not be so freaking angry. Those who know me know that patience has never been my strong suit...even more of an issue now. I remind myself that toddlers test their parents patience on a daily basis. Luckily, my most try moments are the opposite of when Caden is in a toddler mood. And usually it just makes me laugh at how particular he can be -- No does not always mean no for a toddler.

Tonight when I was putting Will to bed I just sat there holding him - so sweet, so peaceful. From the angle I was sitting I couldn't help but stare at the space where Mason's crib used to be. It brought tears to my eyes. I remember that last morning - I heard him making noise of the monitor. When I went in there he had a content look on his face and he looked around the ceiling. When he say me he got a big smile on his face. I miss that smile, I just want to hug him again. It's just so, so unfair.

I love you my sweet boy. Missing you with every ounce of my being.