Tipping Point

Today marks the 16 week anniversary of losing Mason.  He was with us for a very short 16 weeks.  From this point forward we will have spent more time without him and that pains me more than I can ever put into words. He was way too young to have left us.  I remember my initial reaction as I walked out of my office that morning after I got the call.....I fell to my knees and just started bawling.  That's the same thing I want to do so often lately.  I want to curl up in the fetal position and just lose it.  I want to stop holding it together.  I want to stop being strong. I want to let go and just release all the pent up emotion.  But so often, I pull myself together and try to stuff it all back in the place in the back where it doesn't hurt quite so much.  It's not that I don't think about Mason, cause I think about him non-stop, but I'm learning to compartmentalize my feelings so that the grief does not consume me.


I've been having an email exchange with one of my IV girls.  She recently called me a hero and said she didn't know how I get up in the morning.  Rest assured I am no hero.  There are days I would love nothing more than to stay curled up in bed.  But I get up for Caden and Will.  It's what she would do as well if she were in my shoes....any of you would.  Shortly after Mason's death a friend sent me a letter sharing that her sister had died at age 7.  My friend was 5 at the time.  Her mother was never the same, she never recovered from losing one of her children and unfortunately it left scars on her other children.  I could never do that to Caden and Will.  They need their mommy.  They need a happy childhood.  As another IV girl told me just as I did not choose to lose Mason, Caden and Will have not chosen to lose their mommy. Just as any good mommy would do I am putting the needs of my children before my own.  Losing Mason is the worst thing that has ever happened to me, but I could never forgive myself if Caden and Will look back on their childhood feeling like we cared less about them then their brother who died.

I miss Mason so much it physically hurts....sometimes it's a dull ache, others it's a sharp piercing pain but most of the time it's somewhere inbetween.  I miss his sweet smile.  I miss the way he used to cuddle up on my chest and sleep. I even miss the screaming he used to do when his acid reflux was bothering him.  I miss bouncing around the house with him during my maternity leave.  I miss the way that he would cuddle up with Will.  They loved being close to each other.

It's so unfair the things we are going to miss......his laugh, his toothy grin, his reaction to solid foods, crawling, walking, his first word, him reaching out for his mommy, hearing him say mommy and so much more.  In the SIDS survival guide there is a story of a woman who wished that she had never had her child, then to endure the pain of losing him to SIDS.  I would not trade my 36 week pregnancy or my 16 weeks with Mason for anything in this world.  It is a time I will forever be grateful for.  It has made me realize how fragile life really is and why we should never take anything for granted. On that Friday morning 16 weeks ago today, I got up and went to work sleep deprived, yet loving my chaotic life with three boys under 2.  Around 11:25am my world came to a screaching halt with a phone call.  At 12:18pm I stood there holding Mason's hand and listened to an ER doc call his time of death. 

To my sweet Mason, I miss you so much.  I would do ANYTHING to have you back.  I want you back.  You deserve to be here with us.  Your brothers deserve to grow up with you here, not as their gardian angel. From this point on we will have been without you more than we had you here with us, but I hope you know how much I love you....you will always have a place in my heart, in my mind and in our family.

I want my baby back.......