Today has been a rough day.....as was confirmed by a friend, my face always seems to "show" the rough days. I don't know what to say other than I just miss him so much. It hurts so bad that I won't get to watch him grow up. That Will and Caden will never really remember him....(yes, I know they will know him through our stories but that isn't the same).
I saw the Dr who delivered the boys today....she didn't know we'd lost Mason. She said "so how are the boys" and I just lost it. Like everyone she was so sorry and wished there was something to say. But unfortunately there is nothing that anyone can say. Rob picked up the boys today and they all beat me home from work. When I walked in the house Caden came running into the kitchen to give me a huge hug. It felt so good to hear him yell "mommy" as he ran. Then there were all the smiles and giggles from my chunky monkey Will. What better way to come home from a rough day.
I am trying to find other things to say other than "it sucks", "it's so unfair", "i just want my baby back", etc. I don't know how to explain the roller coaster ride of emotions.....the guilt.....the pain.
We are approaching the mark where Mason will have been gone longer than he will have been here with us.....when I think about it I feel ill. It just isn't suppose to happen this way.....parents are not suppose to outlive their children. He was here with us for 3 months and 23 days.....way too short. I would not trade our short time with him for anything. I am grateful everyday that he was my needy baby. All that extra time and attention was needed....we didn't know he was going to be leaving us.
I keep wishing this was all just a horrible dream....can we please go back to the morning of May 28th and redo that day....with a different ending? There are times when I don't want to go on, that I want to give up.....but then my 2 reasons for going on, for not giving up will remind me that my life, while sad and tragic with the loss of Mason, is blessed by Caden and Will. I NEED to be the best mommy I can be for them. So Mason honey, I will forever miss you. There will not be a day that goes by that I don't think of you. That I don't wish you were still here with us. But daddy and I will pick up the pieces and we will give your brothers all the love that we can.
I hear Will crying....good night sweet Mason, you are so loved by so many people.
1 comment:
I love that you did this. It really helps to share your emotions. Especially for others like us who are experiencing this pain & although we are not happy to share this horrible nightmare with you, it helps to know that there are people our there who understand completely and share in those terrible moments. We are travelling this horrific journey with you, and hopefully together we can get through this and help others. We have thought of giving up & work hard everyday to focus on giving our 2 children the best life we can offer. We have been cheated, but not defeated! Heres to many obstacles still yet to cross. Lots of Love, The Lillis Family
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