What a Day.....

So I finally decided that the pressure/pain was enough to go to the Dr this morning.  I started getting a cold over a week ago and for the last 4-5 days have been fighting major headaches -- turns out I have a sinus infection.  That does explain why this morning I felt like my eyeballs might just have burst out of my head at any moment.  I hope the meds provide some major relief soon, in the meantime Advil Sinus is helping to relieve some of the pressure.

I had a crazy amount of conference calls today, by #4 I was having trouble focusing on the topic at hand and kept drifting off.  Rob asked if they were worthwhile.....and actually, yes they all served a purpose.  But I seem to be developing some Adult ADD lately and conference calls are not my friend.

On my way back from the Dr I just couldn't help but think about Mason.  I just kept replaying the phone call, the drive to the hospital, the ER.....it just seemed so surreal still.  That phone call is never one you expect to get.  We knew nothing other than a neighbor called to ask why there were ambulances at the house and then learned that it was Mason and that he was in cardiac arrest.  Looking back I am surprised at how calm I stayed during the drive.....I called my sister and just kept telling her that nothing could happen to my sweet boy, I called my boss in Arizona to let her know what had happened and that I didn't know when I'd be back to work, I talked to another neighbor who called to make sure we knew and I talked to Rob twice. When you are met by the chaplain at the hospital it is never a good sign. I don't even know how to express the feeling of walking into an ER room and seeing your baby laying there being worked on by so many people. My knees buckled at first and then I pulled it together to get over to my baby --- he needed me.  We were allowed to hold his hands and I know we were both begging him to pull through. To this day I wish they could have brought my sweet little boy back.....he was way too young to die. For as long as I live I will be so thankful for the caring staff at the hospital.  We were allowed to hold our sweet boy immediately and didn't let go until the homocide detectives came to question us.  (They treat this type of death as a potential homocide.)  After the medical examiner did his work we were allowed to hold him some more.  The nurses weighed and measured Mason, along with taking handprints and footprints that they sent home with us.  The chaplain blessed Mason for us.  Later they made molds of his hands, his feet and one of his ears -- the nurse delivered these personally to our house.  Many SIDS parents don't receive the same treatment that we did, I am grateful for what we received. I can't drive past that hospital now without a sinking feeling overcoming me.

To my sweet Mason.....mommy loves you so much.  As does daddy and your brothers.  You will always hold a special place in my heart and I do hope to see you again someday.  I look for signs now that you are watching over all of us.  With each milestone that Will hits, my thoughts always drift to you. I'd do anything to have you back.  To honor you, I am trying to be the best mommy I can be to Caden and Will.  I miss you my sweet boy!!

Will telling Mason a secret

From their 1 month photo session