So much has happened since my last post...Mason & Will arrived at 12:34 and 12:36pm on Friday, February 5th. It was love at first sight. Will spent all his time in the NICU, while Mason spent his time in the nursery or with us. Everyone went home on Feb 9th. Caden loved his brothers immediately and was always wanting to kiss them. Our world was crazy to say the least, but we loved every min of it.
On May 28 we got the phone call that no parent ever wants to receive....Mason was in cardiac arrest and the paramedics were taking him to the hospital. We arrived just as the ambulance did and thankfully Rob was forceful enough that they let us back. We were met by the chaplain which I knew was not a good sign. We were taken to a triage room where they worked to revive Mason. At 12:18pm they called it......I will never forget the shock of that moment. How can our little boy who was just a week and 1 day shy of his 4 month birthday be gone forever? I will forever be grateful to the ER staff for letting me hold my baby. We learned that it was violation of hospital policy and something that many other parents in our shoes do not get to do.
The nanny had put Mason down for a nap in his crib and went back downstairs to feed Will. After a little while he'd been quiet so she went to check on him and found him unresponsive in his crib. She started CPR and then called 911. A neighbor had called Rob's cell to ask about the ambulances. We lost our sweet little boy to SIDS (Sudden Infant Death Syndrome)....this was something you read about, not something that happens to you.
It's been over 10 weeks since we last got to touch, hold and kiss our sweet boy. It's been extremely rough, but Caden and Will do give me a reason to get out of bed each day. We've been forced to adapt to being a family of four, but we know we will always be missing our 5th family member. I decided to start keeping the blog updated for a couple of reasons, 1)I need an outlet for my thoughts and emotions and 2)I know just how fragile life is and want to share the stories of Will and Caden with our family and friends.
Today we received a gift.....an email from JC Penny portrait studios offering us another chance to order prints from the twins 1 month pictures. Usually you are only able to order prints for 90days and then they are no longer available. At the time I had no idea that we would only get to have 1 family photo of the 5 of us. We decided to order everything on CD since these are the only pictures we will have us Mason.
A friend who believes that butterflies are her own son (also a twin lost to SIDS). To be honest I too have started seeing butterflies. At the park with Caden and Will the other morning I had a butterfly keep bumping into my arm. I'd like to think that Mason was letting me know that he is ok.
Over the last 10 weeks I have been told by many how strong they think I am, how I show grace and am doing so well.....I'm glad it looks that way from the outside, cause inside I just want to fall apart. We both agreed that we needed to make sure that we are the best parents to Will and Caden, so I try my best not to cry around them. I want to enjoy the special moments with them. And most of all I don't want them ever looking back and only remembering their mommy mourning their dead brother. As a friend, who also lost an infant, said shortly after his death just was we did not choose to lose Mason, Caden and Will did not choose to lose their mommy. So I try my best to be here for them and to not burden them with my grief.
I've learned that we have some amazing friends out there.....for me, many of them are the women who traveled the IF path with me. We appreciate so much that people check on us from time to time. While time continues to move forward we do not ever want our son to be forgotten. So please know that we don't mind people talking or asking about Mason.....in fact we WANT people to ask and talk about him.
Losing your child is not something that should happen. It's out of the natural order of things. This is not something that you get over, the you move on from, that stops hurting. Instead this is something that becomes part of you. You are forever changed. We wanted something positive to come from this horrible tragedy, so we created The Mason Werner Foundation to raise money for SIDS research, education and bereavement support. More to come on the foundation.
To my sweet Mason, I miss you so much. Not a day has gone by where I didn't ache to hold you in my arms and to kiss your face. I miss feeling the way you would snuggle up on my chest to sleep. I hope you know how much mommy loves you.....we will always love and miss you.
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