Struggling

I continue to struggle with reality....this just seems so impossible, so hard to understand and just so unfair. My sweet boy should upstairs asleep with his brothers right now. Since Mason's passing I've contemplated many times what is harder - losing someone without any warning (as we did) or having a child who was sick and you knew wouldn't live very long. Either way it suck and I still don't know which would be worse. I can't imagine Mason having been sick his entire life and then leaving us.

Today I learned that a co-workers mom is going through chemo(that part I knew) but that it's not a curable form. They are simply treating it. It brought to the surface the feelings I had when my dad was diagnosed with Alpha1. Young or old, death sucks! I know her mother is struggling with some new chemo drugs. I can't imagine what it's like to watch your mother suffer through this.

Anyone else wake up regularly feeling exhausted even after a good nights sleep. That's me...I wake up feeling beaten down. The kids give me some pick me up...but I feel it is starting to really weigh me down. I feel like I have really aged during the last couple of months. I guess that is what stress does to you.

I miss my little boy so much. Tonight I was watching Will sit on the floor and play with some toys. He kept reaching for Gus. It made me want to see Will and Mason playing together. Reaching for each others toys. It made me sad. And not just sad for me, but mostly sad for Will...that he's missing out on his brother. It's moments like that that make me miss him even more.

I am going to end here...my thumbs hurt from typing this on my blackberry. To my sweet Mason, you are such a special little guy and we will miss you forever. You are always on our minds and forever in our hearts.